Expectations....

are a bitch to get rid of! Aren't they? Seriously.

The family I grew up in, particularly, has always had a problem with expectations... or maybe its every family... who knows. Anywho... when I was a kid, we would continually let ourselves down b/c we would have certain expectations about the way things "should be"... or the way someone "should" react or the way someone "should" understand our point of view because its so flippin clear in our heads! As a result, we spent a lot of time being sooooo disappointed and sad that our expectations were never met. Sick right? I can remember as a kid... I was probably 7? 8 ish? My parents had planned a trip to Hawaii for the family. Believe it or not... I had a pretty vivid imagination as a kid... yeah... I know... weird. I didn't know anything about Hawaii but I assumed it was a beautiful, wild, relatively uninhabited paradise. Key word here is "wild". I literally thought we would spear fish, eat coconut, and wear grass skirts.... maybe kill a wild pig for funsies. That was my expectation... which was developed simply out of my imagination right? I mean... I didn't open the Encyclopedia Britanica (that's a book... with pages that you turn... and words) and get a real picture of what it might be like.... I just made some assumptions and RAN with it! AWESOME right? So on the flight over, the pilot comes over the intercom and announces that on our right we'll just be passing over the big island. I politely, (I was such a good boy), asked the passengers next to me if I could lean over and get a peek... here's what happened in my head:

"Buildings? WHAT? There's got to be a mistake! That's not the way Hawaii is supposed to be! I don't even want to go now. This is stupid. Stupid buildings and cars and people and McDonalds. Stupiddummydumbdumbpoopcrudgoodfornothingnofun Hawaii. Sssssstyewwwwwpid."

I literally welled up I was so disappointed. Okay... we all know it doesn't take much to make me cry.... I'm kind of a pansy.... but you get my point. I was totally shattered! Instead of looking out the window of the plane and being THRILLED at the possibilities of what adventures lay ahead... I was completely let down. Now... don't worry... little Robby had a great time in Hawaii. Although I think it's telling that the above scenario is my most vivid memory of that trip, (read... Rob is a complete nut-job).

What's my POINT! I am having a HARD time letting go of my expectations for this race coming up next week! Even having all the facts in front of me... I keep setting pacing goals and split times. I thought, maybe if I wrote about this, it'd sink in. SO! Here are my expectations for Vineman 70.3:

• Show up.
• Toe the line.
• Swim
• Bike
• Run
• Smile
• Laugh
• Finish
• Smile some more

That's it. That's all. Uh. That's it? That's all? Yes. That's my story and I'm stickin to it. Period.

Thanks for taking the time to read... and helping me process this stuff. Hope you're all happy, healthy, and whole.

Breathe...

Gettin....

air! Yeah. Can you imagine what's goin through this guys head??? Probably not, "This is SO cool!"

It's interesting... I've taken a big break from writing... I suppose it's because I haven't felt I have anything particularly clever or insightful to say. Things are constantly swirling around in my head, (which, believe me, is annoying), but the thought of making them semi-sort-of coherent, and typing has been repulsive to me. I'm not promising anything remotely brilliant here... but it feels good to write a bit.

Training continues. I've been pretty consistent through the entire year but there's been a big shift in my thinking regarding triathlon. I'll be honest here... it's kind of a pain in the ass isn't it? I mean really. Think about it. Think about all the time you spend planning training, packing for training, scheduling training, fretting about training, resting for training, executing training, recovering from training... maybe racing... on and on and on. It's pretty consuming. I've also noticed that it's isolating for me. I enjoy time on my own... I really do... that Rob guy in my head can be pretty fun... but at least in Eugene... I've found it really difficult to meld my schedule with anyone else's. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want to go to the effort of seeking people out to train with. I know there's a bunch of triathletes here in this town... but the idea of having to coordinate schedules... which means even MORE planning... makes me want to hurl. Yeah. Lazy I suppose.

Don't get me wrong... I really love this sport. LOVE it. I also think that for a 40 year old guy, I have the potential to be pretty decent at it. I just think I'm evolving a bit. Not quite as obsessive. Maybe a bit more relaxed regarding results and schedules. A lot of this is out of necessity... new life direction and adjusting to a different flow of things. Whatever it is, it's happening, and I have to roll with it. Here's what I WILL say about this shift and new life direction: I haven't felt this calm or peaceful or relaxed or happy in a veeeeeeeeeery long time... even before I started triathlon 4 years ago. Like everyone, I have moments of sadness, despair, anxiety, and anger... but they're short-lived. I've always talked about "breathing"... something I adopted as my own from a dear college friend... but I finally, FINALLY feel like I actually am! I'm actually breathing. Whew.

Despite Coach Liz's best effort, I don't feel particularly ready for either of my upcoming races, Vineman 70.3, or Lake Stevens 70.3. That's b/c of me... not her. I can't imagine doing this triathlon thing without Liz's expertise. I don't feel race ready... but that's just the way it is. This is a big ego check for me... which is always good. Basically... I've had to throw all my expectations, based off of past performance, completely out the window. I'm just not as fit as I've been in the past. So... the goal for both of these races is to have fun. People do that all the time right? Have fun? Race for fun? Enjoy being out there among these happy fit people? Yep. Happens all the time... and I'm joinin in!

More soon... and in the meantime... thank you for reading. Hope you're all happy, healthy, and whole.

Breathe...